Inclusion and Belonging are one of the five main pillars in the SGI Strategic Plan. In our plan under “Why Inclusion and Belonging Matter,” this statement follows: “SGI believes members of the school community should always feel a sense of inclusion and belonging. We are all individuals with varying interests and aspirations and we are all Griffins. Having a shared sense of belonging is critical for a positive mindset, social-emotional well-being, and improving academic performance.”
One thing that runs completely counter to these beliefs is students treating each other poorly. That could be through name-calling, unwanted physical interactions, or outright bullying. Recently, a parent in our school community posted on Facebook about issues her child has experienced in school and asked for the community to weigh in with similar experiences. All of this was done with the intent to gather data and engage in a conversation with the district about these topics. Not surprisingly, many members of the community had stories and experiences to share.
I was thrilled to have the opportunity to meet with this parent and engage in a solutions-focused dialog. Some big ideas emerged from that discussion and I want to share the contents here in an effort to both increase communication about what we are doing at SGI and also state very publicly that we are ALWAYS striving to improve students’ sense of belonging in our schools. I would like to take the time to remind parents and students that we have an open-door communication policy. If your student is ever in a position where they feel they are excluded, we would encourage them and their parents to reach out to us so that we can work together to create a social strategy that empowers them and gives them the tools and resources to handle various personalities and dynamics.
First, let’s address the term bullying. “Bullying” is a term that is used often by kids, parents, and the media to describe a range of undesirable social behaviors. By the textbook definition, three conditions must exist for a situation to be considered bullying: (1) There needs to be an imbalance of power–one individual has “higher perceived status,” or “is physically bigger,” or “is more boisterous and outgoing” than the other person. Of course, this is not an exhaustive list of power imbalances that could exist. (2) There must be an intent to cause harm either physically or emotionally. And (3) The undesirable behavior is repeated over time.
Let’s look at a scenario: Two middle school students who sit together at lunch are coming back from the cafeteria, and one student shoulders the other student into the wall for no apparent reason. Is this bullying? According to the definition above, no. However, is this appropriate behavior? Also, a resounding no. The student who was shoved reports the incident to school administrators who investigate the situation, talk to both students, and then issue a consequence to the student who pushed. Later, they sit down with both kids to talk about the harm that was done and the fact that students can’t get physical with one another, period. The two students decide not to sit together at lunch for a while but no similar disputes happen moving forward.
Situations like this, unfortunately, happen in schools. Let’s dissect a couple of pieces of this story to go a bit deeper. A common theme we hear from parents is that “bullying happens and nothing is ever done!” Again, the first question to ask is are we actually talking about bullying, or is it some other inappropriate student behavior? This is not about semantics or downplaying actions. It is about using the correct terms for infractions.
The second question is why do parents think that nothing happens? Schools are governed by many laws, policies, and regulations; one such regulation is the Federal Education Right to Privacy Act or FERPA. Under FERPA school personnel are unable to share educational information about a student with anyone but their legal parent or guardian, this includes student disciplinary information. As a result, an administrator may say something to a parent of a student who has been wronged like, “I can tell you that this was addressed and that there was a consequence, but I can’t speak to what that specific consequence was.” This can leave parents feeling like “nothing was done,” or that the situation was “swept under the rug.” I can assure you that the administrative teams we have currently take student behavior seriously and work hard to address issues as they arise. They also work hard to balance teaching and consequences in an effort to ensure that inappropriate behaviors are not repeated. Will parents and students always be in agreement with consequences? Unfortunately, no.
Why do students act inappropriately toward one another? If only we had the answer to that question! While I can’t answer it directly, I can discuss some things that we are doing to help mitigate the issues. One thing is a districtwide character education focus. We have traits that are selected by our high school student leaders and students learn about exhibiting those traits and are rewarded for doing so in all of our buildings. Another approach is community circles in grades PK-8 where students get to learn about one another as the complex and interesting individuals that we all are. Our philosophy is that, as they can see more connections with their fellow classmates, they will be more apt to want to show them respect and kindness. Lastly, we work very hard to take a consistent approach to handling issues as they arise. This lets students know that should someone treat them inappropriately, it will be handled in a timely manner. Of course, we always like to end our conversations with a student who has been mistreated by a peer as follows: “I’m going to address this situation by [insert date/time here], after that, I expect that things will be better. However, if they aren’t, I need you to come back and tell me so I can try a different approach.”
Another important piece of this inclusion and belonging puzzle lies with the student who is on the receiving end of inappropriate behavior. In a comment to the original Facebook post mentioned at the beginning of this message, one respondent wrote the following:
“Don’t take what they say seriously no matter what. Words are just that, words, only you allow them to hurt you in reality by knowing you are not what they say. Your opinion of you matters more than theirs.”
I acknowledge that it is extremely difficult to have this perspective during your school-aged years. But the truth is people will say mean things, people will make comments that hurt, and people will be rude. This happens when you are a little kid, when you are a big kid and when you are an adult. We strive every day to help kids make good choices and treat each other with kindness, but part of our process of teaching and raising children also needs to be to understand that life is full of adversity and you need to develop the strength, self-confidence, and self-regulation to persevere despite how others act. This is by no means to say that we want kids to “just deal with bad behavior.” As a school district, we are always here to help and support our kids as discussed above, encouraging them to ask for help when needed. However, our role while supporting them is simultaneously to build their capacity to handle situations in appropriate ways on their own. In the face of adverse situations, we want our students to develop the ability to have the resilience to not let those situations rattle them and eventually advocate for themselves.
If this all happens, imagine how the situation above could play out differently: After being pushed against a wall the student turns to their classmate and firmly but calmly says, “Hey, that was not okay. I’m sure you are just playing but I’m not okay with being pushed. Please do not do that again.” Are our kids capable of a conversation like that? Absolutely. Many of them say things like this on a regular basis. But like with everything, the goal is to build this type of capacity in all of our students.
Creating a sense of inclusion and belonging for ALL students is our goal. My hope is that some of the points laid out above help our families and students to realize the care that is taken to help children feel the support that we want them to and to create a culture and environment that is as free from poor behavior as possible. With that, we will continue to address those inappropriate behaviors and find solutions that make things better for our kids. When situations rise to the level of bullying, our efforts will be magnified because we cannot have bullying in our schools. I would like to sincerely thank our families for taking the time to read this and thank the parents who helped vet the contents.
In closing, talk to your kids about their school experiences, remind them to advocate for themselves and others and encourage them to be a role model for their peers by demonstrating respect and kindness. If you or your student need help or support of any kind, please reach out to me or another one of our staff members. We are all in this together to give our kids the best educational experience possible. Creating an environment that promotes inclusivity requires active participation from everyone.